Loss and Lost

I don’t know how to start.  I don’t know how to put into words the aching in my heart.  I don’t know how to say what I want to say.  I don’t know.

Loss, as in death and dying, is an intrinsic part of life.  It’s guaranteed.  And it must happen.

But you see, I am not good with that part.  I mean I am good at being there for families, holding them, serving them, listening to them and assisting.  I did it for years working in a retirement community.  But when it hits close to home I suck at it.

I always play that game that there will be more time.  And I am the one who withdraws.  After all, what do I have to contribute?  There are many more people who are closer, more intimate, better suited.  I am awkward. Then I don’t know how to reconnect because time has lapsed.  And then the disease takes over and fatigue settles in and the window has closed.

So this week cancer is ravaging the bodies of thousands.  And this week it has determined that two whom I know must be called home sooner than most.

One is a beautiful, young, spirited, and fierce princess whom embraced her disease and raged against it, beating the odds for years. She inspired.  She led.  She embraced all that she had and just lived with all that she had.

The other is a beautiful, old spirit, with a heart of gold who birthed 6 children and led by example.  She was spunky and had a quiet resolve.  Her disease was just diagnosed.  Her disease is a beast that attacked with a ferociousness not to be rivaled.

These are just two.  Two of many.  Two whom everyone in their lives has met and loved.

And I cry.

Yet I have no right to.  I received without giving.  I learned and was inspired.

And I have no words.

And I wish wish wish that I could go back in time.

But I can’t, so I have to pay it forward.

With all my gratitude to GG and SE, may your spirit live long in the hearts of many.

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